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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24205357">Blood and death and Gon's bright smile.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinataboke9/pseuds/hinataboke9'>hinataboke9</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Getting Together, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, mentions of blood and murder, mmmmm idk what this is, they're about 16 in this one, this is sad and happy at the same time</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:29:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,866</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24205357</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinataboke9/pseuds/hinataboke9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua hasn't killed in four years, and Gon is the only one he can call when he finds his hands stained with someone else's blood again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gon Freecs &amp; Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Blood and death and Gon's bright smile.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello everyone! I'd like to say, I absolutely didn't plan anything about this fic and the whole time I had no idea what was going on. I'm still not sure if I like it but I got tired of keeping it in my drafts, so there you have it.<br/>This is set a few years after Killua and Gon parted ways (but I guess they have seen each other a few times since then).<br/>Also, slightly unrelated, but I like to think Alluka would want to take the Hunter exam at some point like Killua did.<br/>Well, enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="">
  <p>Killua was covered in blood. His hands were red and sticky and he stumbled on his own feet as he tried to avoid the corpses on the ground. They were everywhere. It was everywhere, their dark, clotting blood, it was on Killua's clothes, in his hair, stuck under his fingernails. He could breathe it and almost taste it. He tripped again and fell on his knees, got up, and started running.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He ran, and ran, and ran, until his lungs were on fire, until he couldn't keep godspeed going anymore, and he dropped with his back to a tree, in the woods, gasping for air in the dark and tasting blood again, but this time from his burning throat.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>His mother's men were after him. Again. Even now that Alluka was able to control her abilities and look after herself, even after all those years, his mother still wanted to get him back home, get him to be like his brothers, to be the heir of the Zoldyck family. Illumi had moved out, and now his parents needed Killua to take his place, to be a better assassin, to honour the traditions.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>In a way, it was working. He had just killed about ten people at once. After years of not killing anyone. He'd tried to make them lose his tracks, he'd really tried, but eventually, he had to stop running and just deal with it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He put his head back against the trunk, still panting. His heart was racing, but it wasn't because of the running anymore. He dug his blood stained fingernails into the dirt, the same fingernails he'd just used to stab through people's chests, and opened his mouth to take in as much oxygen as he could.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Fuck." He said to himself in a whisper.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Those were people's lives and he had taken them without even knowing their names, that was really what his mother would have wanted.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He looked up at the bright full moon through the leaves above him. He reached for his phone in his pocket, and called the only number he could call.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He waited, a few seconds went by and it felt like hours.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Killua?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Oi... Gon." They were both whispering.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Why are you calling me this late? Is everything alright? Are you in trouble? Do you need me to-"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Gon." Killua's voice sounded weak. Gon waited for him to speak. "I'm about two hours away from Whale island. Think you can, uh... come pick me up at the port?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Uh- now? You mean in two hours?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua immediately regretted calling at those words, and he felt so incredibly stupid. "No, you know what, it’s good, nevermind-”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"No! I'll come! Of course!" Gon's voice sounded like he was trying to shout and whisper at the same time.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Of course he was gonna come anyway.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua couldn't keep a little smile back.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He felt even more tired when he got off the ship. He looked around lazily, it was almost three in the morning, and very few people were around. The trip had been very cheap. And uncomfortable.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Killua! Killua! Overe here!"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Before he could even see anything, a pair of lean arms were wrapped around him, but he didn't have time to realize it and react, a second later Gon was quickly turning him around, hands on his shoulders, eyes widened at the state he was in. His mouth opened but no sound came out.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua forced a brief laugh. "Uh... yeah, some stuff went down. But don't worry, I'm alright." He raised his hands to put them on Gon's forearms, but put them down right away when he catched a glimpse of them. There was blood all over him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>There was blood all over him.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He took his eyes off Gon's.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I really shouldn't have come, I'm just giving you trouble."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon looked at him for some more time, his face a little less shocked now, his grip on Killua's shoulders firm. It had been at least a year since they'd last seen each other, and a good four since their first adventure together. They were both taller now, Killua just an inch or two above Gon. They weren't children anymore.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon's face softened and a little smile formed on his lips. He had his hair down, and it was kind of a mess, and Killua's heart did a weird thing in his chest. Then he was pulled forward and crushed into a hug before he could resist, and Gon ignored the blood and dirt and Killua's stiffness.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua closed his eyes. He was so incredibly tired. He let his hands go up Gon's back and grabbed his shirt, clinging to the familiar warmth he hadn't felt in so long. "I'll get blood all over you."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"It's okay.” The other talked fast into his shoulder, and his voice was so clear when it didn't come from an old cellphone. “I missed you. You can tell me what happened later. Let's go home and get you cleaned up first."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It was a short walk to Gon's house, and Killua kept quiet. He really couldn't think of anything to say, and his voice didn't seem to work properly anymore. Gon told him about all sort of things on the way. Maybe he was waiting for a response, maybe he knew it wasn't gonna come.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Be quiet, we can't wake Mito-san up."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>They left their shoes at the door and climbed the stairs on their tip toes. Killua did his best to avoid touching anything, they got to the bathroom, cleaned themselves as best as they could without making to much noise.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua washed his hands a second time, for a good ten minutes, after putting on some clean clothes Gon had lent him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He couldn't get that feeling off. He rubbed and scratched at the skin, almost frantically, until Gon's hand wrapped around one of his wrists, and he went still. He'd almost forgotten how that boy's touch made him feel.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Your hands are clean." He said calmly, and his words felt like they had a deeper meaning. He held on Killua's wrist and guided him to his room, then closed the door behind them.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p><em>They're not, </em>Killua thought.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I know we're not twelve anymore, but..." Gon gestured to his bed and his cheeks turned pink. "It would be too loud to go and get a futon."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua just shrugged. It was hard to sleep with Gon by his side, his presence was so bright and loud, in a way, and it made it hard to calm down. Right now, though, it felt like sleeping alone would've been even harder.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Killua..." Gon was still holding on his wrist, the warmth from his fingertips spreading on Killua's arm, and hell, was he longing for something that could make him feel a little less cold.</p>
  <p>He didn't reply.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Before he knew it, he'd been dragged to the bed, and now the two of them were sitting side by side. Gon let go of his wrist and Killua’s eyes twitched a little.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He stared at the floor.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I was gonna come and visit." He said after a moment, keeping his voice down to a whisper. The words were stuck in his throat and it was hard to get them out. "But my mother still wants me home. She sent people after me. I tried."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He could feel Gon's eyes all over him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Tried... what?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Tried to hide. Didn't work." He paused. "Killed them."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>If Gon was surprised, or scared, or disgusted, he didn't show it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You had to." He replied instead. His voice did sound sort of sad, but also gentle.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua didn't dare to look at him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killing people wasn't as satisfying as he'd once believed, even when they weren't innocent. He'd realized that in the time he'd spent with Alluka. Thanks to her, and all of his friends, and Gon, and it had taken him a long time away from his family to unlearn everything they had taught him, and now that he didn't <em>need</em> to kill any enemy, now that he hadn't killed anyone in years, it was all coming back to him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Even though his family wasn't directly controlling him anymore, they were still making him do horrible things. Even if he'd stopped killing, he was still a murderer. All the people he'd killed were still dead. He'd never really be free from them, nor from his past.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He didn't realize he was shaking, staring at the hands that had passed through flesh and bone countless times. His vision was blurred, but he didn't really notice the tears. And he didn't notice quiet arms around him, pulling him in, until he breathed in the scent of grass and woods, and found his head on Gon's shoulder, and felt the light touch of hands going up and down his back.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Sorry." He said, trying so hard to keep his voice steady. All he wanted was to run away and hide and never let anyone see him like that again, but he couldn't move.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon didn't say anything for a while. His breathing was calm and rythmic, and his hands had stopped moving, now placed on Killua's shoulderblades.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua let himself have just that. Just Gon holding him together, and fixing everything that was ever wrong with him. He didn't deserve it, but he stayed anyway. He had always wanted more, but he didn't say it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When he spoke, Gon's voice felt dangerously close to his ear. "Sometimes we have to do bad things to survive."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua blinked through his drying tears.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I killed too." He continued, and he sounded so calm, Killua found it almost unreal. His usual loud self was gone. "It wasn't your fault. It would've been much worse to end up under your family's control again, right?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua nodded in silence.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon was too good, too kind, too gentle for this world filled to the brim with rage and death, and Killua didn't deserve to be so close to him, let alone get even closer.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Why did you stay?" Was all he could ask in return.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"What do you mean?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"When I told you I was from a family of assassins, why didn't you run? And when you saw me killing so easily, why?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon thought for a moment.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You said you didn't want to be like them." His chest raised and fell. "And also because I like you, I guess."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua felt every muscle in his body tense, he stopped breathing for a second.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Stop saying stuff like that." He muttered, but what he really meant was, <em>stop saying you like me if you only like me as a friend. Stop being so close to me without letting me have you. Stop shining so bright that I can't look.</em></p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon laughed softly at that, and Killua's chest tightened. He didn't move his forehead from Gon's shoulder because he could feel the fire on his face.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Everything was silent for another minute, only the sound of their breathing and the wind outside filled the room. Now Killua didn't feel like he could fall asleep anytime soon. His body was weak and worn out, but his eyes were open, his mind racing.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Hey, Killua." Gon called out again.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Yeah?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I, uh..." His fingers tapped lightly on Killua's back, and Killua was about to raise his head and step back, but then Gon's hands were pressed on him again. "I thought a lot. About friends. And you."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You did?" Killua murmured, not really knowing where the conversation was going, just glad to hear the other's voice erase the silence, replace his guilt with something, anything else.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He could feel him nod. "There's my friends, you know, like Leorio, Kurapika, Bisky..." He paused. "And then there's you."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua frowned a little, and tensed again involuntarily, Gon's hands were shaking slightly against his back.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He raised his head, carefully, and found himself unexpectedly close to the other boy’s face. He blinked in surprise, his eyes widened a little, his face felt hot once again. He wanted to pull back, give Gon space to breathe, put his own thoughts in order again, but he wasn’t fast enough. Gon’s voice came before he could do any of that.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Can I kiss you?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua stared at the pair of dark eyes in front of him. Everything suddenly felt like it wasn't real. He couldn't feel the time pass, but he could feel his blood run in his veins, and he gave the smallest nod, as he tried and failed to form any word.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It was unreal, the sparkling in Gon's eyes, Killua had a hard time holding his gaze. And then he smiled. He smiled and Killua's hand curled around the blanket, another tear tickled his cheek, and Gon leaned closer, until they were breathing on each other, until their lips were pressed together.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua didn’t have the time to close his eyes, or maybe he just couldn’t. He stared at Gon’s fluttering black lashes, at his freckles, and it was short and clumsy, incredibly innocent, and then there were hands on Killua's face, and they pulled away but remained close.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p><em>Too bright</em>, Killua thought. <em>Too bright to be by my side.</em> But Gon didn't let go of him, he chuckled softly and wiped the tears from his cheeks. His arms then went around Killua's neck, and he pulled him close, so close, everything was warm and every inch of him was trembling. He finally let his hands leave the blanket, and put them around the other's waist instead, hiding in his neck again, eyes closed tight as he breathed deeply in the attempt to slow his heart down.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I know you." Gon whispered in his ear. "I know you're not a bad person. I won't run away."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua tightened his hold, and he felt Gon's fingers go through his hair, his breath catched for a second. Then finally, he said something he’d never thought he could say out loud.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I don't deserve you."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon laughed quietly. "If you don't, then how come we've been best friends for years?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He said it like it was obvious, like the two of them were just meant to be, like it was the easiest thing in the world. He said it like his touch wasn't sending static all over Killua, making his heart hammer so fast, as if he wasn't pure light himself.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You need some sleep." He added later, but Killua didn't want to move. He didn't want to close his eyes in the dark and see corpses again, and he didn't want to wake up to find that Gon's words had just been a dream. He didn't want to put Gon in danger because of his fucked up family, but as selfish as it was, he wanted to have him all the same.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Come on," Gon's fingers were still tangled in his hair, and Killua only wanted that, forever. He didn't reply. He didn't move. He wasn't sure he could.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Another silent minute went by. At some point Gon just fell backwards on the mattress, pulling the other along. He reached out to switch the lights off, then pulled the bedsheets up, always keeping one arm around Killua, who laid still almost on top of him, breathing him in.</p>
  <p>There was blood and death on the back of his eyelids, but Gon’s bright smile on the other side, and it made him never want to close his eyes again, as long as it was there.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He raised his head. It was dark now, but he could still see Gon’s features in the moonlight, his brows were furrowed and the touch of his fingertips light with wariness.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I'll be here." He assured. "I'll wake you up if you have nightmares."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua stared for a minute, leaned in and kissed him again. Slower this time, and longer, because now he was allowed to do it, because it was the only thing that came to his mind with Gon's words so near, words that knew him inside and out. The other boy responded to his lips quietly.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It felt bittersweet to Killua, knowing something so good was there for him and he couldn't feel as happy as he'd expected. It was so heavenly but it scared him too, and in the back of his mind, a voice kept whispering to him that he wasn't, would never be good enough to have that happiness.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But when they parted, both panting a little, Gon pushed Killua's hair back and placed another kiss on his forehead, right where Illumi's needle used to be, as to replace the memory of it with all of his dazzling kindness.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Killua did end up dreaming of corpses and blood, as he had many other nights, but he found welcoming hands and warm whispers when he woke up.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I really missed you", against the back of Killua's neck, as his heartbeat steadied along with his breathing.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Come with me." Killua dared to say, the night giving him courage, though he wanted to stay in that bed forever. "Let's go somewhere together again."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Gon hummed and nodded in his shoulder before drifting back to sleep.</p>
</div>
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